hadthehighground | Empatheias IC Inbox

Yes. I do.

[He regretted is so much it hurt. He blamed himself for it, even if he wasn't quite acting himself. So Ezra blaming him was no surprise, even if it stung a little in more ways than one.]

I can explain my feelings to you Ezra. I can answer your questions. However, I can't convince you to believe or trust me. That is something you will have to decide on your own.

Edited 2017-10-18 15:35 (UTC)

[He'd tracked Obi-Wan down for answers. He'd come here hoping to find some assurance that the nightmare of Lumis was gone. He has both now, only to realize...

It's not enough. It can't be enough. Obi-Wan is right. Trust isn't something that can be earned with words alone. It's something Ezra can only find within himself.

That isn't the answer Ezra wanted, though, and his unhappiness with it wars clearly on his face.]

Then what am I supposed to do? Search my feelings?

[Even he knows those are compromised right now.]

[He knows that’s not what Ezra wanted. It was easy to see that. Folding his hands in his sleeves, confident that things wouldn’t escalate further, Obi-Wan considered the boy’s words.]

I think you already know your feelings, Ezra. That’s the problem.

Truth enlightens the mind, but won’t always bring happiness to your heart.

What you need to find, is peace.

How am I supposed to do that?

[Underneath the mulish obstinacy, the question itself is genuine. Despite everything, part of him does still see this man as a Master, as someone who should have the answers he needs.]

How am I supposed to find peace when I keep remembering what happened? How can I be sure it won't happen again? If even you can turn to the Dark side, then...

[Then what does that mean for any of the other Jedi here?]

Edited 2017-10-26 14:16 (UTC)

Life is full of uncertainties Ezra. Especially in this world. Resisting the Dark Side takes courage, and discipline, even now I'm struggling with its pull.

[The Dark Side's influence was not something he could shake off easily, especially after what happened. Though you could hardly tell by looking at him. He felt pity for the young boy, though. Especially since, there seemed to be more to it.]

However, I would suggest you start by being honest with yourself. I suspect this goes far deeper than just me. Confront your fears, and learn to let go of them.

I'm not afraid.

[Yes he is. Very, very much so. The fear creeps from his stomach and his heart into the air like ghostly butterflies that vanish before they can truly take form. But sometimes if you tell yourself something hard enough, you can even get yourself to believe it, so Ezra lifts his chin, defiant against his hammering heart, and lowers his lightsaber to his side. The butterflies glint with gold briefly from the show of bravery before they dissipate into the air.]

I'm not afraid of you, Master Kenobi. I just... had to be sure. You understand, right?

Edited 2017-10-28 03:34 (UTC)

[Obi-Wan knew better. He knew the boy’s fear was still there, but also recognized his effort. It would take time, he knew that. So he accepted Ezra’s declaration with a small smile.]

I’m glad to hear that, and yes, I do understand.

[Probably more than the young Jedi realized.]

[He probably shouldn't expect to fool a Jedi Master, but the fact that Obi-Wan isn't calling him out on it makes something small loosen in his chest. Makes it that much easier to try to convince himself.]

Good. I'm glad. So then... then everything's okay.

[Well, except for the fact that the street is still cracked, and there are people still watching them warily from a good distance away. That knot of tension reappears, though for different reasons this time.

Still, the reminder twinges at his conscience, and he ducks his head guiltily.]

Sorry. For scaring your Eopie.

[Obi-Wan hadn’t once forgotten about the crowd. And it was as Ezra made his apology, that the Jedi slowly stepped forward to place his hand on Ezra’s shoulder should he let him.

To both reassure the lad, and to show the crowd that everything was going to be fine now.]

Your apology is accepted, and don’t worry, they will be fine.

[The Eopie were surely home by now with Rooh helping herself to some feed.]

Would you allow me to buy you some pears?

[He owed that to Ezra after ruining the past ones, and it was the least he could do for everything that happened.]

[Ezra freezes in places, heart jumping at the touch - but somehow he manages not to flinch away, though no doubt Obi-Wan can feel just how tense he is. But he's determined, too, and if he could face down Anakin with the specter of Vader behind him, Obi-Wan with just the specter of a false memory of a Sith should be a piece of cake.

He swallows, holding his ground. Even manages a small, weak smile.]

I wasn't going to hold that against you, but... I'd like that, Master Kenobi.

[Ezra's discomfort was certainly obvious, thus Obi-Wan didn't allow his hand to linger. The Jedi Master straightening up and folding his hands in his sleeves only a moment or two after touching the boy. A light smile coming to his face as his offer to make it up to him is accepted.]

Come, then.

[And with that, he'll lead the way to the nearest fruit stand. With the crowd watching and beginning to go on their way now that the show was over.]

[ When Obi-Wan wakes, he will find that his crystal is glowing! His emotion drops for the month of Octha have resonated with Empatheias' giant crystal, and a reaction has been formed.

By his feet, he will find a book of jokes and riddles. The title of the book may be sending a message...

(Thank you for submitting to the Emotion Tracker!) ]

Anakin didn't know what time it was, and neither did he care. He was sitting upright in bed, his knees pulled up and his arms resting on top of them while he stared up at the ceiling of the dark room he had come to share with his former teacher once more.

He had never mentioned the nightmares to Obi-Wan. Not back in their home galaxy and certainly not here. Here, they were different. Very different. And they often wouldn't let him return to sleep.

Next to him Obi-Wan appeared to be sleeping, and Anakin was glad for that. The man deserved some peace and quiet and Anakin hated to be the one to deny him that.

So he settled in to spend the rest of the night awake. With his thoughts. What he couldn't help himself from doing, however, was to reach over and lightly brush his fingers through the man's hair.

At least one of them could get some sleep.

Obi-Wan was turned away from Anakin, and stirred when he felt the fingers brushing through his hair. He didn’t wake up, not completely and not at first. But being roused partly, the negative vibes his partner was exuding through the Force started to filter through the haze of sleep.

He stirred again and turned over. After a few moments he reached out, with his hand and through the Force, looking to comfort the other man.

“Anakin?”

Obi-Wan’s voice was soft and filled with concern.

“Are you all right?”

It didn’t take long for him to open his eyes and notice the way the other was sitting up.

Great. Just what he didn't want to happen.

"Go back to sleep." Anakin replied, matching the soft tone of his partner, refraining from answering the actual question.

He knew, of course, that Obi-Wan only meant well. But just as Obi-Wan cared for him, Anakin cared for Obi-Wan. Burdening him all the time with his problems... It just didn't seem fair.

And yet they had promised one another to not keep any further secrets.

"It... Was just a dream."

What Anakin didn’t understand was that Obi-Wan had signed up for this. He wanted to be burdened with Anakin’s problems so that he wouldn’t have to carry them alone.

So when he heard that, the Jedi Master pulled himself up to sit.

“Tell me.”

The words were still soft and full of concern, but it was not a request. They had indeed promised each other not to keep secrets. Obi-Wan has been doing his best to keep that promise, and now it was Anakin’s turn.

Anakin remained silent for some additional moments, watching the other man sit up beside him.

"I...." he tried, then started again.

"It'll be a year soon... Since I came here, right?" A year according to the local time measurement.

And then a frown settled on his face "That means... Selenium will be soon." He fell silent again, his eyes shifting to look into the darkness ahead of him.

"...if was last Selenium that I saw Vader. And Master Windu. I keep seeing them in my dreams."

Patiently listening to Anakin talk, Obi-Wan nodded. It had been almost a year since he arrived hasn't it? And what a difference a year has made for him. He has come a long way from where he was when first arriving.

However, he also remembered the Selenium event. That particular part had been hard on both of them.

"I didn't realize that was still bothering you," he said quietly. Perhaps he should have, and addressed it before now. He felt a little guilty for that.

"You're still afraid you might become that. If not here, then at home."

A year, indeed. And what a year... Anakin wrapped his arms around his knees and rested his chin on them.

"I'm never not worried about that, Obi-Wan." he admitted, looking ahead into the darkness "I've lost control over myself more often than you know of, and Master Windu..."

Anakin let the name hang in the air for a moment, a deep frown settling on his face before he turned his head to look over at Obi-Wan.

"...do you even know that I helped Palpatine kill him?" He wasn't sure. He simply didn't remember if he had ever mentioned this to Obi-Wan - Or to anyone for the matter. He had assisted in the murder of a member of the Jedi Council - and had delivered two more to the blade of a dangerous Sith Lord.

Scooting closer, Obi-Wan placed a reassuring hand on Anakin’s back.

“No, I didn’t,” he said quietly. “I heard he had been killed in the assassination attempt, but there was no details.”

There hadn’t been time to figure all of that out. Most Jedi had met a similar fate anyway.

“Why did you do it, Anakin? What happened that day?”

Maybe talking about it and airing out his feelings would help.

Anakin's eyes remained on Obi-Wan and for a moment he thought about how to go on about this. Eventually, he sighed.

"...I wish you had been there. To keep me at bay. Or rather: If I had been allowed to go with you. Just away from it all."

This didn't exactly answer Obi-Wan's question, but at least it was a start to get Anakin talking.

"Master Windu had ordered me to stay at the Temple while the Council went to Palpatine to arrest him. But I... I just couldn't sit there and do nothing. I knew that they might kill the Chancellor and with him..." he looked down "...and with him my only chance to save Padmé."

A lie, as Anakin knew now.

"So I went and interfered."

He paused there for Obi-Wan to take in the information.

“I have wished the same. Many times.”

It was in his absence that Anakin had fallen. He had to wonder if he had been there, or taken Anakin with him, things might have been different. Or perhaps just prolonged.

“So... you killed Master Windu to spare Palpatine.”

There was a soft sigh from the older Jedi. A sad sound, full of remorse and pain.

“And that guilt is what haunts you?”

It had been Obi-Wan who had held Anakin back before. Who had grounded him and talked sense into him when he was getting way too emotional to think clearly. staying back on Coruscant while his former teacher was sent away had left him to deal with everything that was piling up way over his head all by himself.

"When I arrived, Master Windu had the Chancellor pinned down. I saw an old man begging for his life and a Jedi Master raising his lightsaber to strike down the man that had been a close friend to me ever since I came to Coruscant." Anakin gave more detail to the event, yet didn't look at Obi-Wan "I knew that Palpatine was the Sith Lord. He had told me. I have seen him use his Force Lightning against Master Windu. I knew exactly whom I was saving..."

"I made a decision that costs the lives of countless Jedi. And all that after Master Windu himself told me he trusted me." That detail alone only made it worse. He had just finally gained the Jedi Master's trust, then went to betray him and everyone else.

"...if only it were possible to go back... To do things differently..."

The sadness only continued to weigh heavier on Obi-Wan as he listened. It was a tragic tale, one that he hadn’t had a full picture of at the time they met again on Mustafar. However, they didn’t really have a chance to talk things out there. The deeds had all been done and Anakin had already lost himself completely to the dark side. Here things were different.

“I can see why you were so conflicted.”

His voice was one of understanding, not judgement.

“You were used and manipulated by him. Pressured to making a decision based on your emotions in a split moment. It’s... my fault really for not having realized what he was doing sooner. For not protecting you.”

If only they could go back indeed.

“But we can not dwell on the past or the what-ifs. We have to move forward with a hope that things can be better. You have already made great strides in that direction.”

Used and manipulated. By a man he considered a friend. By a man he trusted with more of his secrets than he should have...

"...I was a fool for trusting him so much." Anakin muttered, then finally turned his head towards Obi-Wan, searching the man's eyes "I was a fool for trusting him more than I trusted you. But I know that now."

Now. Now he understood why Obi-Wan had such a bad feeling regarding the Chancellor. And that he should have trusted the Jedi more.

"I'm sorry I was such an idiot."

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