hadthehighground | Empatheias IC Inbox

[Ezra watches the exchange, searching it for... something. A hint, a clue, a confirmation - except he can't take just this one thing as enough. Still, his hopes lift a fraction at the fact that the man cares enough about his animals to send them off.

He doesn't let that show on his face, though, instead lifting his chin in challenge.]

Well? Did you think I wouldn't find you eventually?

[He ignores the fact that he hadn't been looking - had been avoiding him even.]

Or that you'd get away with what you did?

Not at all. In fact, I've been waiting for you.

[His words are calm and even, and truthful. It was true that he had been waiting for Ezra rather than approaching him. He had taken Qui-Gon's advice and left him alone.

Obi-Wan kept his posture relaxed, his arms hanging loosely at his sides. His hands where the boy could see them. Not reaching for his lightsaber or even making a hint he intended to. The man trying to look as unthreatening as possible.]

Now that you have found me, what do you intend to do?

[Something unpleasant flips in Ezra's stomach at the news that Obi-Wan had been waiting for him. He forcefully swallows it back, but not before the cobblestones beneath his feet start tinging gray, color leeching sickly away. A few people around him notice, and start giving them a wider berth.

No one wants to be around if someone's emotions are about to erupt.]

Why did you do it?

[He ignores the question in favor of demanding answers himself.]

Why did you hurt my... hurt Qui-Gon? Why did you hate him so much?

[The fact that Ezra ignored his question in favor of asking his own was answer enough. The boy was seeking his own answers. That was something Obi-Wan understood. He was looking for closure by facing the man who had hurt him.

It could be argued that he wasn't that man because the memories hadn't been his. But wasn't he though? The false memories had drawn upon some truth and a pain that had never been fully resolved. It was turned into what could have been. That's what made it all so frightening.

But despite those feelings he would oblidge to answer for Ezra's sake. Allowing himself to pull up the memories and emotions he had tucked away in his mind. Which then caused some mushrooms to spring up between greyed cobblestones.]

He abandoned me.

[Those words coming out slowly and softly.]

I was his Padawan and he decided to replace me when he found Anakin, right in front of the Jedi council.

[Feelings of jealousy, hurt, and confusion were stirred from the memory. Which also added to his emotions from his recent conversation with Qui-Gon. Those emotions causing the wood from nearby stalls to dry, crack, and decay.]

That is why I hated him. I wanted to take away everything he held dear, and even his life, in revenge for the pain he caused me.

[Ezra's fear and anger falter for a moment, caught off guard by the accusation against the man who was a teacher (and a parent, some part of him still whispers) to him.]

What? He wouldn't do that!

[He shakes his head in vehement denial.]

He wouldn't replace you unless you were ready. You're wrong! Or you misunderstood!

Well...

[Obi-Wan started, his voice a bit distant as he looked off to the side.]

That's how it felt to a young man who hadn't expected it and was deeply hurt. Who insisted he was ready, but in truth he wasn't.

[He had been so young then. In reality and in the false memories, he hadn't been ready. Especially when he'd had Anakin thrust upon him at Qui-Gon's death. He had been too young and inexperienced to train his own apprentice. He was a baby teaching a baby. His own hurt over the matter had been pushed aside and buried when Qui-Gon had been killed, replaced by his duty to fulfill his last wish. In the false memories... that never happened, and his hurt had been allowed to fester. To turn into resentment, anger, and eventually leading him to the dark side.]

[Ezra hears that last part and immediately latches onto it.]

So you said you were ready and he thought you were ready. You can't blame him for telling the council to let you graduate.

[If that's even the right term, but Ezra's not worrying much about that right when he has bigger things to deal with here.]

It's not like he said you weren't good enough to be his student at all.

[Right?]

He told the council I was ready and I said as much to save face.

[It was truthful. He hadn't wanted to look as shaken as he had been in front of the council. But the truth was, is that they probably knew it.]

No, he never said that, it's true. Though we didn't really have a chance to truly talk about it before being sent on a mission. Before he... was killed. Or, well, in the other memories he busied himself with Anakin. Leaving me to my own devices.

[Ezra's attempts to defend Qui-Gon were admirable. Even if discrediting Obi-Wan's feelings. But he couldn't say he was surprised or didn't understand.]

Regardless, there's no excuse for what I did. The fact that I nearly killed my own master, and hurt you, is something I will have to live with. I can only hope you can one day find forgiveness for this old man's weakness.

[Teenage boys in general have a hard time considering other people's feelings, and with Ezra's own fear and anger clouding the issue here, his empathy is even more hampered. Still, Obi-Wan is slowly succeeding in disarming at least a little of that. With Ezra's anger being met with nothing but calm, with the request for forgiveness with the hints of remorse showing through in Obi-Wan's words, little by little it's chipping away at the fear of Lumis still being here.

Ezra hesitates, his hand holding his lightsaber hilt wavering.]

So you regret it? You regret hurting Qui-Gon?

[He lifts his chin with challenge and doubt.]

How am I supposed to believe you?

Yes. I do.

[He regretted is so much it hurt. He blamed himself for it, even if he wasn't quite acting himself. So Ezra blaming him was no surprise, even if it stung a little in more ways than one.]

I can explain my feelings to you Ezra. I can answer your questions. However, I can't convince you to believe or trust me. That is something you will have to decide on your own.

Edited 2017-10-18 15:35 (UTC)

[He'd tracked Obi-Wan down for answers. He'd come here hoping to find some assurance that the nightmare of Lumis was gone. He has both now, only to realize...

It's not enough. It can't be enough. Obi-Wan is right. Trust isn't something that can be earned with words alone. It's something Ezra can only find within himself.

That isn't the answer Ezra wanted, though, and his unhappiness with it wars clearly on his face.]

Then what am I supposed to do? Search my feelings?

[Even he knows those are compromised right now.]

[He knows that’s not what Ezra wanted. It was easy to see that. Folding his hands in his sleeves, confident that things wouldn’t escalate further, Obi-Wan considered the boy’s words.]

I think you already know your feelings, Ezra. That’s the problem.

Truth enlightens the mind, but won’t always bring happiness to your heart.

What you need to find, is peace.

How am I supposed to do that?

[Underneath the mulish obstinacy, the question itself is genuine. Despite everything, part of him does still see this man as a Master, as someone who should have the answers he needs.]

How am I supposed to find peace when I keep remembering what happened? How can I be sure it won't happen again? If even you can turn to the Dark side, then...

[Then what does that mean for any of the other Jedi here?]

Edited 2017-10-26 14:16 (UTC)

Life is full of uncertainties Ezra. Especially in this world. Resisting the Dark Side takes courage, and discipline, even now I'm struggling with its pull.

[The Dark Side's influence was not something he could shake off easily, especially after what happened. Though you could hardly tell by looking at him. He felt pity for the young boy, though. Especially since, there seemed to be more to it.]

However, I would suggest you start by being honest with yourself. I suspect this goes far deeper than just me. Confront your fears, and learn to let go of them.

I'm not afraid.

[Yes he is. Very, very much so. The fear creeps from his stomach and his heart into the air like ghostly butterflies that vanish before they can truly take form. But sometimes if you tell yourself something hard enough, you can even get yourself to believe it, so Ezra lifts his chin, defiant against his hammering heart, and lowers his lightsaber to his side. The butterflies glint with gold briefly from the show of bravery before they dissipate into the air.]

I'm not afraid of you, Master Kenobi. I just... had to be sure. You understand, right?

Edited 2017-10-28 03:34 (UTC)

[Obi-Wan knew better. He knew the boy’s fear was still there, but also recognized his effort. It would take time, he knew that. So he accepted Ezra’s declaration with a small smile.]

I’m glad to hear that, and yes, I do understand.

[Probably more than the young Jedi realized.]

[He probably shouldn't expect to fool a Jedi Master, but the fact that Obi-Wan isn't calling him out on it makes something small loosen in his chest. Makes it that much easier to try to convince himself.]

Good. I'm glad. So then... then everything's okay.

[Well, except for the fact that the street is still cracked, and there are people still watching them warily from a good distance away. That knot of tension reappears, though for different reasons this time.

Still, the reminder twinges at his conscience, and he ducks his head guiltily.]

Sorry. For scaring your Eopie.

[Obi-Wan hadn’t once forgotten about the crowd. And it was as Ezra made his apology, that the Jedi slowly stepped forward to place his hand on Ezra’s shoulder should he let him.

To both reassure the lad, and to show the crowd that everything was going to be fine now.]

Your apology is accepted, and don’t worry, they will be fine.

[The Eopie were surely home by now with Rooh helping herself to some feed.]

Would you allow me to buy you some pears?

[He owed that to Ezra after ruining the past ones, and it was the least he could do for everything that happened.]

[Ezra freezes in places, heart jumping at the touch - but somehow he manages not to flinch away, though no doubt Obi-Wan can feel just how tense he is. But he's determined, too, and if he could face down Anakin with the specter of Vader behind him, Obi-Wan with just the specter of a false memory of a Sith should be a piece of cake.

He swallows, holding his ground. Even manages a small, weak smile.]

I wasn't going to hold that against you, but... I'd like that, Master Kenobi.

[Ezra's discomfort was certainly obvious, thus Obi-Wan didn't allow his hand to linger. The Jedi Master straightening up and folding his hands in his sleeves only a moment or two after touching the boy. A light smile coming to his face as his offer to make it up to him is accepted.]

Come, then.

[And with that, he'll lead the way to the nearest fruit stand. With the crowd watching and beginning to go on their way now that the show was over.]

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