hadthehighground | Empatheias IC Inbox

[It's been more than a month since the disastrous events from when they'd all had those false memories. Ezra's injuries have long since healed, and so have Qui-Gon's, but that doesn't mean he's been able to put what happened away. Tell himself all he wants that it was just the memories, the sickness, that even he and Qui-Gon got...

...but he still wakes up gasping in the middle of the night sometimes, from dreams of a red blade stabbing Qui-Gon in the heart.

So maybe he's been avoiding Obi-Wan. Maybe it's hard to convince his heart and emotions of the things that his head says are probably true. But still, when he sees a familiar figure heading down the street farther on, his own stubborn refusal to give into fear kicks in. A moment for a skipped heartbeat is all he lets himself have before he firms his jaw and ducks behind a corner to let Obi-Wan pass.

And then promptly emerges as soon as the Jedi Master has gone by, ghosting behind him with all the streetborn stealth he can muster to blend into the crowd.]

[An expert at stealth Ezra may be, but hiding from a master Jedi was no easy feat. The young Padawan didn't quite have the finesse to hide himself that well in the Force.

Though perhaps fortunately for him, today Obi-Wan had a lot on his mind. The Force tugged at his senses slightly as Ezra tailed him but he paid it little heed. Too much had happened as of late, and he was distracted.

Though the boy would have to be careful not to tip him off regardless.

Obi-Wan simply went on his business. Going through the marketplace with his Eopie along with him. It's calf also being led by its mother with a leash attached to her saddle. He was gathering supplies for a trip, and came to a stop to look over some wares. Giving the vendor a smile and casually bartering for the things he was interested in.]

[Ezra knew he was up against a Master here, knew tailing him wasn't going to be easy. He's being as careful as possible, using every trick he knows, and listening to the Force along with it. He wants to see what Obi-Wan does when no one's watching him. He doesn't want to see an act, or anything he might think is an act. He wants to know...

He doesn't know what he wants to know.

But fear is thrumming through his heart, wisping the air around him with a chill, and he doesn't want to live this way. The Force is guiding him, prompting him to find a solution this way, and whatever it is, he follows along.

He seems so normal. Like... like before.

...but what's he getting all that stuff for?]

That one right there.

[This said as Obi-Wan points to something Ezra can't quite see. The merchant he was talking to then picked up what looked to be a lantern, holding it up for his potential buyer to look at.]

Yes, I think it will do. Does it come with its own fire core?

[The merchant nodded, pleased to be making a sale.]

Of course.

[As they discussed the price, Ezra might notice that Obi-Wan didn't tend to barter the way his master did. No shameless flirting or even use of the Jedi Mind Trick. Just an honest dealing to come to a fair price to leave both parties happy. When they came to an agreement, sylvs were exchanged, and Obi-Wan reached for the lantern. Only to pause for a moment, a feeling of fear tugging at his senses from nearby, before finally taking the lantern.

Giving the vendor a smile and bowing politely, Obi-Wan thanked him before strapping it to Rooh's saddle. Allowing the lantern to dangle from her saddle before leading her on to the next place.]

[Ezra does notice, and it's all a little too neat and clean. It's not telling him anything he needs to know. Then again, nothing's happening that might provoke a better reaction - and the way things are going, nothing will happen.

Not unless Ezra takes matters into his own hands.

Eyes scanning the street, he finally settles on the ground itself as his target. It wouldn't be right to involve any of the street vendors or their wares. He takes a deep breath then, brow furrowing with concentration as he focuses on the emotions welling up in his heart. Dunamis isn't his strong point, but he can't use the Force. Obi-Wan will know.

But he's learned enough from mistakes in the past to find enough fear and anger to crack the ground beneath Rooh's feet, hopefully just enough to startle the beast.]

Edited 2017-10-12 20:12 (UTC)

[He knows before it even happens, Obi-Wan's Jedi reflexes kicking a split second before the ground cracks under Rooh's feet. His hand tightening on the reigns just before Rooh nearly loses her footing and bellows in alarm. The Eopie backing up towards its now paniced baby that was in danger of being trappled by its own mother since she couldn't very well get out of the way.]

Easy Rooh, easy there old girl!

[The crowd around him moves out of the way of the spooked Eopie. Obi-Wan tugging down firmly on the Eopie's reigns to pull her back toward him so she won't accidentally hurt the calf. Which worked, but also caused her to swing her head in resistance. Something he could have easily avoided if he let go of the reigns but didn't. It would only allow the Eopie to run into the crowd and potentially hurt people. Instead, the Jedi takes the blow. The animal's skull slamming into his own. Leaving him a bit dazed as he stumbles, but he doesn't let go. His hands gripping her bridle as he used the Force to send a calming influence despite his now pounding head.]

It's all right Rooh, you're safe.

[And gradually the Eopie began to calm, her nervous stomping subsiding after a few moments.]

There, there.

[Obi-Wan patted and stroked her snout soothingly as she calmed. The frightened baby, who had been tugging at her lead, also calming down as her mother did.]

[Ordinarily Ezra would have felt guilty for that blow that Obi-Wan just took, but in his mind's eye he can still see Lumis with a red lightsaber in his hands. He has to know. He has to. He can't leave this to chance. Even the fear and distress of the Eopie and her calf can't convince him to back down from this.

Ignoring his own frantically beating heart, the teen emerges from his hiding spot and pulls his lightsaber out. Again, he pulls on anger, at the injustice of what Obi-Wan did, so that when his voice shakes it isn't with fear.]

LUMIS!

[He doesn't ignite his blade, mindful of the crowds, but what he wants Obi-Wan to see is a furious Padawan more than willing to turn this into a fight.]

[Obi-Wan is still soothing his Eopie, and seeing stars, when Ezra decides to make his appearance. The Jedi suddenly going silent and his posture stiffening when he hears that name. A name he had hoped to never hear again.

But as the man turned to look at the boy, there was no surprise in his eyes. Only a calm and mildly sorrowful look.]

Hello, Ezra.

[He had figured out that he was there, and suspected it was him who spooked his Eopie. Though when Qui-Gon said that Ezra would come to him, this isn't quite what he was hoping for.

The pair were quickly drawing a crowd of spectators. People looking on warily or with curiosity. The Jedi then released the reigns of his animal and patted her side.]

Go home, Rooh.

[The Eopie snorted but soon trotted away. The crowd parting to let the animals pass as they went through the street and back towards the farm. Leaving Obi-Wan to face the Padawan alone.]

[Ezra watches the exchange, searching it for... something. A hint, a clue, a confirmation - except he can't take just this one thing as enough. Still, his hopes lift a fraction at the fact that the man cares enough about his animals to send them off.

He doesn't let that show on his face, though, instead lifting his chin in challenge.]

Well? Did you think I wouldn't find you eventually?

[He ignores the fact that he hadn't been looking - had been avoiding him even.]

Or that you'd get away with what you did?

Not at all. In fact, I've been waiting for you.

[His words are calm and even, and truthful. It was true that he had been waiting for Ezra rather than approaching him. He had taken Qui-Gon's advice and left him alone.

Obi-Wan kept his posture relaxed, his arms hanging loosely at his sides. His hands where the boy could see them. Not reaching for his lightsaber or even making a hint he intended to. The man trying to look as unthreatening as possible.]

Now that you have found me, what do you intend to do?

[Something unpleasant flips in Ezra's stomach at the news that Obi-Wan had been waiting for him. He forcefully swallows it back, but not before the cobblestones beneath his feet start tinging gray, color leeching sickly away. A few people around him notice, and start giving them a wider berth.

No one wants to be around if someone's emotions are about to erupt.]

Why did you do it?

[He ignores the question in favor of demanding answers himself.]

Why did you hurt my... hurt Qui-Gon? Why did you hate him so much?

[The fact that Ezra ignored his question in favor of asking his own was answer enough. The boy was seeking his own answers. That was something Obi-Wan understood. He was looking for closure by facing the man who had hurt him.

It could be argued that he wasn't that man because the memories hadn't been his. But wasn't he though? The false memories had drawn upon some truth and a pain that had never been fully resolved. It was turned into what could have been. That's what made it all so frightening.

But despite those feelings he would oblidge to answer for Ezra's sake. Allowing himself to pull up the memories and emotions he had tucked away in his mind. Which then caused some mushrooms to spring up between greyed cobblestones.]

He abandoned me.

[Those words coming out slowly and softly.]

I was his Padawan and he decided to replace me when he found Anakin, right in front of the Jedi council.

[Feelings of jealousy, hurt, and confusion were stirred from the memory. Which also added to his emotions from his recent conversation with Qui-Gon. Those emotions causing the wood from nearby stalls to dry, crack, and decay.]

That is why I hated him. I wanted to take away everything he held dear, and even his life, in revenge for the pain he caused me.

[Ezra's fear and anger falter for a moment, caught off guard by the accusation against the man who was a teacher (and a parent, some part of him still whispers) to him.]

What? He wouldn't do that!

[He shakes his head in vehement denial.]

He wouldn't replace you unless you were ready. You're wrong! Or you misunderstood!

Well...

[Obi-Wan started, his voice a bit distant as he looked off to the side.]

That's how it felt to a young man who hadn't expected it and was deeply hurt. Who insisted he was ready, but in truth he wasn't.

[He had been so young then. In reality and in the false memories, he hadn't been ready. Especially when he'd had Anakin thrust upon him at Qui-Gon's death. He had been too young and inexperienced to train his own apprentice. He was a baby teaching a baby. His own hurt over the matter had been pushed aside and buried when Qui-Gon had been killed, replaced by his duty to fulfill his last wish. In the false memories... that never happened, and his hurt had been allowed to fester. To turn into resentment, anger, and eventually leading him to the dark side.]

[Ezra hears that last part and immediately latches onto it.]

So you said you were ready and he thought you were ready. You can't blame him for telling the council to let you graduate.

[If that's even the right term, but Ezra's not worrying much about that right when he has bigger things to deal with here.]

It's not like he said you weren't good enough to be his student at all.

[Right?]

He told the council I was ready and I said as much to save face.

[It was truthful. He hadn't wanted to look as shaken as he had been in front of the council. But the truth was, is that they probably knew it.]

No, he never said that, it's true. Though we didn't really have a chance to truly talk about it before being sent on a mission. Before he... was killed. Or, well, in the other memories he busied himself with Anakin. Leaving me to my own devices.

[Ezra's attempts to defend Qui-Gon were admirable. Even if discrediting Obi-Wan's feelings. But he couldn't say he was surprised or didn't understand.]

Regardless, there's no excuse for what I did. The fact that I nearly killed my own master, and hurt you, is something I will have to live with. I can only hope you can one day find forgiveness for this old man's weakness.

[Teenage boys in general have a hard time considering other people's feelings, and with Ezra's own fear and anger clouding the issue here, his empathy is even more hampered. Still, Obi-Wan is slowly succeeding in disarming at least a little of that. With Ezra's anger being met with nothing but calm, with the request for forgiveness with the hints of remorse showing through in Obi-Wan's words, little by little it's chipping away at the fear of Lumis still being here.

Ezra hesitates, his hand holding his lightsaber hilt wavering.]

So you regret it? You regret hurting Qui-Gon?

[He lifts his chin with challenge and doubt.]

How am I supposed to believe you?

Yes. I do.

[He regretted is so much it hurt. He blamed himself for it, even if he wasn't quite acting himself. So Ezra blaming him was no surprise, even if it stung a little in more ways than one.]

I can explain my feelings to you Ezra. I can answer your questions. However, I can't convince you to believe or trust me. That is something you will have to decide on your own.

Edited 2017-10-18 15:35 (UTC)

[He'd tracked Obi-Wan down for answers. He'd come here hoping to find some assurance that the nightmare of Lumis was gone. He has both now, only to realize...

It's not enough. It can't be enough. Obi-Wan is right. Trust isn't something that can be earned with words alone. It's something Ezra can only find within himself.

That isn't the answer Ezra wanted, though, and his unhappiness with it wars clearly on his face.]

Then what am I supposed to do? Search my feelings?

[Even he knows those are compromised right now.]

[He knows that’s not what Ezra wanted. It was easy to see that. Folding his hands in his sleeves, confident that things wouldn’t escalate further, Obi-Wan considered the boy’s words.]

I think you already know your feelings, Ezra. That’s the problem.

Truth enlightens the mind, but won’t always bring happiness to your heart.

What you need to find, is peace.

How am I supposed to do that?

[Underneath the mulish obstinacy, the question itself is genuine. Despite everything, part of him does still see this man as a Master, as someone who should have the answers he needs.]

How am I supposed to find peace when I keep remembering what happened? How can I be sure it won't happen again? If even you can turn to the Dark side, then...

[Then what does that mean for any of the other Jedi here?]

Edited 2017-10-26 14:16 (UTC)

Life is full of uncertainties Ezra. Especially in this world. Resisting the Dark Side takes courage, and discipline, even now I'm struggling with its pull.

[The Dark Side's influence was not something he could shake off easily, especially after what happened. Though you could hardly tell by looking at him. He felt pity for the young boy, though. Especially since, there seemed to be more to it.]

However, I would suggest you start by being honest with yourself. I suspect this goes far deeper than just me. Confront your fears, and learn to let go of them.

I'm not afraid.

[Yes he is. Very, very much so. The fear creeps from his stomach and his heart into the air like ghostly butterflies that vanish before they can truly take form. But sometimes if you tell yourself something hard enough, you can even get yourself to believe it, so Ezra lifts his chin, defiant against his hammering heart, and lowers his lightsaber to his side. The butterflies glint with gold briefly from the show of bravery before they dissipate into the air.]

I'm not afraid of you, Master Kenobi. I just... had to be sure. You understand, right?

Edited 2017-10-28 03:34 (UTC)

[Obi-Wan knew better. He knew the boy’s fear was still there, but also recognized his effort. It would take time, he knew that. So he accepted Ezra’s declaration with a small smile.]

I’m glad to hear that, and yes, I do understand.

[Probably more than the young Jedi realized.]

[He probably shouldn't expect to fool a Jedi Master, but the fact that Obi-Wan isn't calling him out on it makes something small loosen in his chest. Makes it that much easier to try to convince himself.]

Good. I'm glad. So then... then everything's okay.

[Well, except for the fact that the street is still cracked, and there are people still watching them warily from a good distance away. That knot of tension reappears, though for different reasons this time.

Still, the reminder twinges at his conscience, and he ducks his head guiltily.]

Sorry. For scaring your Eopie.

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[action - before Obi-Wan's vacation]

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