hadthehighground | Empatheias IC Inbox

[The events at Selenium had been both bothersome and healing in ways. But one does not overcome grief so easily, nor the feelings of self blame. And Satine's death was something he normally kept tucked back into a corner of his mind.

Instead of trying to suppress and release his emotions into the Force, he had meditated on his emotions. Something he endeavored to do occasionally, especially as of late. Something he knew Qui-Gon would notice.]

Yes, of course.

[He motioned for Qui-Gon to have a seat on the chair in the room.]

[Not only was it something that Qui-Gon noticed--and very much appreciated in his former Padawan--but it also brought about some concern. Obi-Wan's pain runs deep, far deeper than anyone can discern from the surface thanks to a combination of the younger man's natural tendency to deflect the worry of others and the composure drilled into Jedi from a young age. Qui-Gon could see through both with relative ease, but that never made approaching the issue (the myriad of issues) smooth or appropriate.]

[Until Selenium.]

[Qui-Gon takes the seat without hesitation, resting his elbows on his knees and pressing his hands together at their fingertips.]

It's about Satine. Or, rather, what we spoke about briefly during the candle ceremony.

[He knew this talk was bound to happen some time. Thus Qui-Gon's words came as no surprise. Still, he took in a deep breath and let it out again. Steeling himself for an emotionally heavy conversation.]

You want to know how she died.

Eventually, if you are willing to talk about it.

[But they could ease into that. Qui-Gon may not be one for sugarcoating or tiptoeing around certain issues, but he cared about Obi-Wan's emotional state enough to know better. His self-awareness worked sometimes.]

I wanted to know more about what happened prior to that moment, but we can begin with whatever you feel most comfortable with. I won't push you in either direction.

[There was a long silence following that as Obi-Wan considered the best way to start this conversation. But in the end, it all boiled to one thing. Or rather, one person.]

It was Maul.

[He then waited for Qui-Gon to digest that. It was enough of a bombshell in itself after all.]

[Qui-Gon kept his composure at the revelation. He'd known that Maul somehow his battle with Obi-Wan at least long enough to try to pull Ezra over to the dark side. Still, to learn that the former Sith continued to be a source of horror for Obi-Wan over the years tore at him. Didn't his Padawan deserve some peace?]

How?

[Apparently not. His life seemed to have little room for a truly peaceful existence. The simple question though drew a sigh and a hand to rub at his forehead.]

With his brother Savage, and the Death Watch, he took over Mandalore. They captured Satine and held her prisoner.

Going against the council's wishes I went to rescue her. I almost succeeded, instead we were both apprehended.

[Obi-Wan went quiet as he closed his eyes and raised an outstretched hand. Several clicks would then be heard from that pink crystal chest at the foot of his bed. The lid opening and a single lightsaber lifting from it. It then moved through the air and settled in front of Obi-Wan]

Driven by his hatred for me, Maul killed her with this lightsaber. I could only watch as her life faded away.

Edited 2017-03-24 01:54 (UTC)

[Qui-Gon remained silent, lost in his own thoughts while Obi-Wan explained the situation and pulled the darksaber out of the chest. His situation matched Qui-Gon's own love lost, Tahl: how he'd defied the Council in absconding with his young Padawan at the behest of premonitions in nightmares, the secretive relationship between the two, and the violent nature of both women's deaths.]

[It's enough to make one think that these outcomes were a form of punishment rather than the will of the all-encompassing Force.]

[He closed his eyes and heavily sighed. He could chastise the other man and remind him that attachment was--supposedly--the crux of weakness for a Jedi and an invitation to fall to the dark side... but who was he kidding? He'd known about Obi-Wan's feelings for the Duchess during that mission so many years ago and the fling that ultimately arose. Still, he willingly turned a blind eye. After all, he'd warned a younger Obi-Wan once prior with Siri, using his own far too raw pain from losing Tahl as an example. At the time, he wanted to protect the boy. With Satine, he wanted to allow Obi-Wan the chance to make his own mistakes and see them through. It was part of letting him mature.]

[Maybe Qui-Gon had been right in not wanting Obi-Wan to grow up. Not if it meant this much sorrow.]

[He couldn't even remark on his surprise at the fabled darksaber floating before his former Padawan. The pain, denoted by a drizzle starting to patter against the window, was too prominent.]

I'm sorry for your loss, Obi-Wan.

[The words tasted bitter on his tongue; he'd been saying them far too often.]

It's my own fault. It's because of me that she died. Maul wanted to make me suffer.

[And he has ultimately succeeded. Obi-Wan didn't need a lecture about attachments. He had learned the hard way already. That lesson having been driven home especially hard at Anakin's fall.

Attachments were a weakness of his he didn't like to admit. Despite being supposedly a perfect Hedi he had his own flaws. He was just able to conceal and control them better. Able to resist the influence of the Dark Side where his apprentice had failed.

Still, if he hadn't shown obvious attachment and affection for Satine she would likely still be alive in his time.]

If his goal was to take over Mandalore anyway, then I sincerely doubt Satine would have escaped unscathed, regardless of her affiliation with you.

[As he's proven time and time again, Maul reveled in his ruthlessness, celebrating every evil victory and every vicious notch he carved into his belt. Satine's death and the impact it had on Obi-Wan was just a bonus.]

Her death is not on your hands, but on his.

Edited 2017-04-12 20:11 (UTC)

Perhaps, but it's because of me that she got involved in something she had no hand in.

[Satine had been caught in the middle. Between Obi-Wan and Maul's desire for revenge. It shouldn't have been that way.]

She didn't deserve that.

And yet... I'm glad she didn't have to see the fall of her people and the rise of the Empire.

It's something to take comfort in.

[Qui-Gon falls silent, unsure of what else to say. His policy has always been to speak what was on his mind and heart, but both are filled with sadness for Obi-Wan. So, he works with what he has and reaches over to place his hand on Obi-Wan's.]

She wouldn't want you to hold onto this heartache.

I thought I had moved past this, Master.

[His voice was again quiet. Unsure, and heavy with grief.]

It's this place, it brings everything to the surface. Embracing my feelings is something I've been striving for. And yet, its difficult at times.

Remember where we come from, Obi-Wan. We've undergone decades of training and lecture in how to repress and release emotion. That isn't a mindset easily changed, despite your willingness to do so.

[He avoids delving into his many disagreements with how the Jedi Order handled matters of the heart. Obi-Wan already knows all too well how Qui-Gon feels about such things, and there's no need to beat a dead space horse.]

This is an arduous road, like the many others you've already traveled. Don't rush your progress and allow yourself the time to think about how you feel and why you feel that way.

Only then will you be able to heal. Only then will Satine truly become a source of courage and rather than only pain.

I know.

[And bit did he know. He was a champion for sticking to the Jedi code after all. Letting go of it was difficult and painful no matter how necessary it was. He wasn't even sure he could completely change his ways in whatever amount of time he ends up spending here.

He then nodded slowly as he considered Qui-Gon's words. He was right of course. But as always it was easier to say as much than put into practice. Obi-Wan fell quiet for a few moments, and put down the darksaber.]

She loved me, Master. Up until the very end.

...

And yet I could never bring myself to say the same to her.

Because the Order is your life, Obi-Wan.

[...Was. Was his life.]

[The Jedi Order is no more, not here in Empatheias, and not back home for Obi-Wan, either. It's a sobering reality that is so farfetched that Qui-Gon has to remind himself constantly that this is the fate of the people and code he'd grown to love with every fiber of his being.]

Would you have been able to leave it all behind for her? Would you have been able to throw away everything you've ever known without resenting her for it in the long run?

Be honest with yourself.

[Qui-Gon is careful not to accuse Obi-Wan of anything. The man in front of him is his own person capable of making his own decisions, and Qui-Gon can't judge him for said decisions. Instead, his words are meant to guide Obi-Wan into considering other aspects that aren't always explored when it comes to rather messy affairs of the heart. Aspects that Qui-Gon has had time to think about himself, following his own brush with love and how it could have interfered with his own life in the Order.]

[Was his life, and in some ways still is. It was on him to make sure the Jedi continued. Something that he would pass on to Luke. The Order was still important to him even if it didn't exist here or at home. Just... not in the same way.

What Qui-Gon said next though drew a solemn, thoughtful silence. His eyes staring down at his hands for a few moments before looking up again.]

There was a time when I would have. When we left her on Mandalore, if she had asked, I would have stayed. I would have left the Order.

...

Part of me had hoped she would.

[But she didn't, and he knew it was for his sake. Perhaps because she thought he might have resented her for it.]

But in the long run... no. I couldn't leave you, and I couldn't leave Anakin.

[And yet he remembered how heart broken he was.]

Edited 2017-05-01 01:29 (UTC)

[He's known Obi-Wan for long enough to tell when he's given due thought to a predicament and, even though this question is one that requires sessions upon sessions of meditation in itself, he trusts that the foundation has been set.]

And she understood that, just as she understood your feelings for her.

You both knew you cared for one another up until the end. That alone is an immense comfort.

[Obi-Wan's eyes lifted again at that. His final moments with Satine running through his mind. She had it clear how she had felt, even with her last breath. So that he wouldn't forget.

He had wondered and hoped she knew how he felt as well. But... wasn't her words an acknowledgement of that?

The damp musty smell in the room started to fade.]

Yes... yes it is.

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