hadthehighground | Folkmore Inbox

[Fire has often not been a friend in Ezra's life (Kanan wreathed in the explosion he was holding back. Anakin burning. Vader dragging Obi-Wan through fire.)

But he lets none of those memories slip out, and focuses on the friendly feeling the Ingo recalls. Despite his own experiences, fire is not bad.

And then he notices-]

Why shame? [The why's behind emotions are often hard to unravel, even when in this sort of contact.]

[Quietly shifting through Ingo’s vague memories, Obi-Wan analyzes each one. He’s a bit preoccupied and doesn’t notice the shame right away. Not until Ezra brings it up.

So he waits for Ingo’s response to that question.]

[Ingo cringes, visibly and mentally. He'd sort of hoped we could just pass that by.]

I...

[There's too many reasons to get into at this point. Frankly, Ingo himself can't entirely keep track of them all. He swallows, and tries to condense it all down into something that sounds both simple and reasonable (though he certainly can't look reasonable in front of these two, not after his terrible behavior in their home, and he quickly shoves aside the guilt and shame he feels about that - ).]

I should not have forgotten him.

[Ezra remains quiet for a moment, debating how to respond.]

...I forgot my brother for a little while. [His gaze darts to Obi-Wan, who he offers a rueful smile. Yes, he means Obi-Wan. Ben. Whatever.]

And my foster sister and the people who took us in- everything in my life past about age 13, I think. Maybe a little younger. I was actually 20 at the time.

Now, I was very, very lucky. The sight of my brother's face - [And again he is simplifying here, because his relationship with the Obi-Wan Kenobi of Trench was a little different, for all they were family. But with the bits of memories that had clicked back into place, he was definitely thinking 'brother'.]

Brought just enough back to remember that I could trust him, and we figured out that it was something...actually fixable, because a creature was actively trying to take memories from me. If hadn't felt that I could trust him, I probably run away and hidden, and I am pretty good at hiding, so that could have been quite a mess.

It was sort of like the Trials here, so there was zombies, and fighting, and magic involved. [He waves a hand dismissively.] Long story.

I had pretty complicated feelings just about that, like, couple of weeks. A boat load of embarrassment, definitely. [Part of his embarrassment is how hard he'd clung to the memory of his brother when that man did not share those memories, for all Master Kenobi of Trench had been gentle, and tried not to confuse him, reiterating that they were family and there was nothing to be ashamed of.] And there's only so much the comparison holds, I'm sure.

[He pauses again.]

It wasn't my fault. This isn't yours. [And it wasn't Obi-Wan, or Luke, or Leia or any one else he loves' fault that they kept meeting out of order and Ezra kept having re-introduce himself and figure out what sort of relationship they could have.]

Some things are beyond our control.

[Obi-Wan lets Ezra talk, catching that smile and returning it. Though with Ingo distracted he closes his eyes and tries to delve deeper into his mind. Looking for anomalies and anything this conversation might trigger. He and Ezra are a team after all.

But he still listens while he searches. Hoping that Ingo might take his brother’s words to heart. Words that he had to remind himself of sometimes.]

Edited 2024-05-19 02:25 (UTC)

[Ingo listens with interest, even if it does mingle with some confusion once zombies and magic get thrown into the mix. He hasn't really met other people with memory loss. Technically, if Ezra recovered, he still hasn't. But it is interesting to hear another account.]

...but you remembered him when you saw him again. Perhaps not fully, but enough. I couldn't manage even that much.

[A brief flash of his disastrous first meeting with Emmet - just standing there trying to make awkward conversation while his brother sobbed at him, because he hadn't even realized he was real and not some creation of the Fox. Ingo's disgusted with himself. And even if not then, to not have remembered a single thing in the months since...well, it's really no wonder Bo-Katan finally decided to take action.]

I had always thought I might, if I ever met anyone I had known. But of course not.

[A good brother, someone who really cared enough, would have remembered.]

[Ezra sighs softly-]

I don't believe it was any virtue of mine, it was just the way it happened. Another day or so of that creature feeding off memories, and it might not have gone that way. [Although he can't be sure. Connections in the Force between sensitives can be strange things, not entirely linear or quantifiable, and might have served as some sort of anchor point he instinctively clung to, even if he didn't have a single conscious memory.

But it was certainly no fault of Ingo's that he isn't literally psychic.]

[With his eyes still closed and concentrating, Obi-Wan continues to poke around Ingo’s mind. Focusing on the connections his emotions are having to his situation.]

Might I suggest something?

[This said as Obi-Wan slowly starts to withdraw and then opens his eyes.]

It’s a well known fact in our society, and others, that emotions have a deep impact on the psyche. It can make the difference between a Jedi staying true to their path, or veering into the darkness and going astray. Your thoughts, your feelings, your memories, they are not separate. They are interconnected and affect each other because they are each a part of a whole. Your mind.

[Sitting straight, Obi-Wan now folds his hands in his lap. Letting out a soft sigh as he tries to sort through his own thoughts and everything he witnessed.]

I do not believe there is anything Ezra and I can do here. Your mind is functioning as it should. My belief is that you are unwittingly hindering yourself. And not because you’re not good enough, no, rather because you think that way. You are creating conflict in yourself with your feelings of doubt and low self worth. On top of that, trying to force your brain into remembering things while it is dealing with this conflict. Until you manage to find peace within yourself, you likely will not be able to access those memories.

I see.

[Ingo's disappointed, but he's not terribly surprised. He'd known from the beginning that this was probably a long shot. Frankly, he's a little disgusted with himself for having asked at all - once again, he's wasting these good peoples' time and effort.]

Well, thank you for trying, in any case.

[That seems to be the end of it? He opens his eyes, glancing between them to make sure that no one is still...telepathically in his mind or anything before he rises to go.]

Now hold on.

[He’s not done with you yet sir.]

Don’t take this as a loss or failure. It’s not. Rather, look at this as having a better understanding of yourself and your situation. I’ve learned a great deal by searching your mind, which I assure you will remain confidential between the three of us. But I do have some suggestions on how to proceed if you wish to hear them.

[It is, extremely literally, a failure. They attempted something and failed. It's the dictionary definition.

Ingo keeps that to himself.]

Of course.

[Obi-Wan might no longer be probing the depths of Ingo’s mind, but he’s still very much aware of what Ingo is thinking.]

You need to stop thinking like that for one.

[There is no hiding in this moment. With Obi-Wan’s senses still blown wide open as they are.]

If you want to recover, if you want to be the good brother that you so long to be, you must change your thinking. There is no other way. You see, many of the truths that we cling to vary greatly on our own point of view. To change your reality, you must alter yours. It’s a fundamental Jedi teaching but it applies to everyone.

You can start by using meditation techniques. I can teach you how. But it will not work if you don’t stop this nonsense that’s going on in your head. It won’t be easy of course, you will have to work at it. I’m willing to hold you accountable for this as well, to help you in your progress. It may not be the quick fix that we wanted, but there is hope. If you are willing to try.

Edited 2024-05-27 17:46 (UTC)

I thought you had finished.

[Ingo would very much prefer that his thoughts not be read, if we aren't doing anything constructive in there! Aside from dismissing his feelings as nonsense, apparently.

(Oh Sinnoh, is he going to tell Bo-Katan about all of this?)]

I'm certainly willing to try anything, but I do not wish to take up any more of your time. If you are willing to teach me how, I'm sure I can just proceed on my own.

[Ezra had been keeping silent, not sure that he can contribute more than Obi-Wan had, although he does close his eyes and silently sigh when the older Jedi uses the word 'nonsense'. He agrees very much with the thrust of what Obi-Wan is saying, but that is not the word he would have used.

To be fair to everyone here, Ezra knows convincing someone that self-destructive habits aren't the path forward is difficult.

Ok, here goes-]

Ingo, you are not wasting our time. We are in no rush to get you out our door. We weren't the first time you were here. I, personally, was concerned about you but happy to make sure you had a safe place to stay and food to eat.

Why did you leave? I think - I think maybe we talk through what we actually mean about focus determining reality. If you are willing to honestly answer that.

Edited 2024-05-27 20:12 (UTC)

[Obi-Wan is a bit on edge, and despite his efforts to downplay it. It becomes a bit more obvious as he grimaces and closes his eyes. A hand reaching up to pinch the bridge of his nose as a headache settled in.]

Forgive me, it takes time for me to come down from such efforts. This is not something I regularly do.

[Ingo might as well be shouting his thoughts at the moment. It wasn’t so much that Obi was reading them as that he overheard them.]

And no, I will not tell Bo-Katan.

[He then lets Ezra talk. The Jedi Master falling silent as he breathed deeply like he did when beginning this session. Trying to calm his mind and retreat back into himself.]

[Ingo glances warily between the two of them.]

...well. It is nothing I have not said before. My conduct while I was staying here was absolutely unacceptable. A grown man should not be - lying about all day, forcing others to wait on him hand and foot. And he certainly should not be - throwing tantrums.

[Though no one would have known about that if Bo-Katan hadn't barged into his room in the first place. How was he supposed to keep sleeping there, knowing that she might show up at any time? It wasn't safe.]

[Ezra clocks that headache and uneasiness from Obi-Wan, and makes a mental note to check in more with Obi-Wan in a while. But stays more focused on Ingo.]

You weren't forcing us. It was service offered freely. Your conduct was concerning, because it was clear you weren't....in good health. But I am a healer, I choose to be concerned for, and do things for people who aren't well, regularly. If anyone here found your behavior unacceptable, then - that was a conversation Obi-Wan or I would have had with you. And even then it would have been a balancing of responsibilities. To not give more than we could give without draining ourselves, maybe, or to protect the other people here, if you lashed out at them. But we had no such plans. The only person you were hurting was yourself.

This is what we mean. You felt that you were forcing us to do things for you. That we would or perhaps should think badly of you. Those feelings are real, to you, but that doesn't mean they reflected reality for us. You acted on what you felt to be true and withdrew. You passed judgement on yourself, and that determined your reality.

But that is not the only way things might have gone.

I do not see how anyone could possibly not think badly of me, having witnessed all of that.

[It's kind of them to pretend otherwise, of course. But who wouldn't judge? Ingo's judging himself!]

Even if you somehow did not, I should not take advantage of that pity.

[Ezra blinks slowly; he is not....angry, but he is quietly baffled.]

Which part of I am a healer sworn to service and compassion to the best of my ability, of my own free will, did you not understand? Or do you believe I am lying to your face?

[Ingo blinks at him, also baffled.]

I am not your patient. I am not even injured. You do not owe it to me to excuse bad behavior just because of your profession.

[Breathing in, Obi-Wan opens his eyes and looks at Ingo. A bit more put together now with his headache having calmed a bit as well.]

You came to me with a problem Ingo. So in a sense you are our patient. You do need healing, healing of the mind. That is what we are here for. Those are the services we offer, free to anyone who asks.

[He then pauses thoughtful as something comes to mind.]

Did you read that book?

I did not mean to foist an obligation upon you! I thought this was a one-time attempt!

[It didn't even work!]

I did.

[You know. Obi-Wan is starting to see how Bo-Katan lost her patience with this man. Many might think that he has the patience of a saint, but it was surely being tested right now.]

I would like to think I have the ability to make my own choices Ingo. Helping you was my choice. It was my choice when you first came here. It continues to be my choice.

[A breath.]

And what did you learn from it?

I am in no condition to be living with anyone at all, never mind Emmet. I need to fix whatever is wrong with me.

[Also being able to lock your bedroom door is extremely important to him.]

[Obi-Wan knits his brow in confusion.]

Well, that is what we have been trying to do for you. Though if you want to live alone, I understand. But I don’t advise closing yourself off from people entirely.

Along with meditation, I want you to talk to people. Anyone really. Impose yourself if you must. And reread that book, think about how what it says applies to you.

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