Obi-Wan Kenobi (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
hadthehighground) wrote2025-01-21 04:45 pm
hadthehighground) wrote2025-01-21 04:45 pm
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This is Master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Please leave your message.
This is Master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Please leave your message.
This is Master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Please leave your message.
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[He focuses on his first memory. It's his arrival in Hisui. He simply became aware of himself standing in a barren white landscape. The first breath he took burned his throat and made his eyes water from the bitter cold. He drew his coat close around himself, tucking hands in armpits. None of it did anything to warm him up at all. Snow was still falling.
How did he get there? There wasn't anyone around, no people or Pokemon. Ingo had felt very strange then, blank and detached from himself. Without much thought, he'd just started stumbling along in a random direction.]
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This was just after the incident.
[Saying this as much to himself as the others. The confusion and disorientation of the time is clear. He then speaks to Ezra through their bond.]
As best I can tell, there seems to be nothing wrong with his memory in itself.
[His brain seemed to be in working order.]
Ingo, can you now think about the memories that have surfaced from before this? Anything at all. Nothing is too small.
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[Ingo thinks back. There isn't much to these memories. First, a general impression of fire - safe, helpful, a friend. It's tied up with a much clearer recollection of walking through a tunnel alongside a young woman and a Pokemon wreathed in purple flame, but that has the feel of something more concrete and recent.]
I had an impression that I'd had a fire-type partner in the past. I thought it might have been a Typhlosion, like Miss Akari's, since that was what made me think of it...but I'm told I was incorrect.
[By Emmet, of course; who else could tell him? There's a similarly vague impression of a man - someone Ingo was speaking to about battle, though he cannot recall the specific topic, or even the sound of the man's voice. It's a jumble of feelings more than any sort of actual scene. He's certain that they look alike, but there's no images to draw that judgement from. It's just something he knew. The only thing he knew; he hadn't had any idea how they might resemble each other. If pressed, he might have guessed that they had similar haircuts. It was never strong enough to think that they might be identical twins.
Of course, he knows who Emmet is now. There's a wealth of regret and shame, and of course his memory of what Emmet actually does look like - but he tries not to think about that. That isn't the point.]
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But he lets none of those memories slip out, and focuses on the friendly feeling the Ingo recalls. Despite his own experiences, fire is not bad.
And then he notices-]
Why shame? [The why's behind emotions are often hard to unravel, even when in this sort of contact.]
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So he waits for Ingo’s response to that question.]
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I...
[There's too many reasons to get into at this point. Frankly, Ingo himself can't entirely keep track of them all. He swallows, and tries to condense it all down into something that sounds both simple and reasonable (though he certainly can't look reasonable in front of these two, not after his terrible behavior in their home, and he quickly shoves aside the guilt and shame he feels about that - ).]
I should not have forgotten him.
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...I forgot my brother for a little while. [His gaze darts to Obi-Wan, who he offers a rueful smile. Yes, he means Obi-Wan. Ben. Whatever.]
And my foster sister and the people who took us in- everything in my life past about age 13, I think. Maybe a little younger. I was actually 20 at the time.
Now, I was very, very lucky. The sight of my brother's face - [And again he is simplifying here, because his relationship with the Obi-Wan Kenobi of Trench was a little different, for all they were family. But with the bits of memories that had clicked back into place, he was definitely thinking 'brother'.]
Brought just enough back to remember that I could trust him, and we figured out that it was something...actually fixable, because a creature was actively trying to take memories from me. If hadn't felt that I could trust him, I probably run away and hidden, and I am pretty good at hiding, so that could have been quite a mess.
It was sort of like the Trials here, so there was zombies, and fighting, and magic involved. [He waves a hand dismissively.] Long story.
I had pretty complicated feelings just about that, like, couple of weeks. A boat load of embarrassment, definitely. [Part of his embarrassment is how hard he'd clung to the memory of his brother when that man did not share those memories, for all Master Kenobi of Trench had been gentle, and tried not to confuse him, reiterating that they were family and there was nothing to be ashamed of.] And there's only so much the comparison holds, I'm sure.
[He pauses again.]
It wasn't my fault. This isn't yours. [And it wasn't Obi-Wan, or Luke, or Leia or any one else he loves' fault that they kept meeting out of order and Ezra kept having re-introduce himself and figure out what sort of relationship they could have.]
Some things are beyond our control.
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But he still listens while he searches. Hoping that Ingo might take his brother’s words to heart. Words that he had to remind himself of sometimes.]
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...but you remembered him when you saw him again. Perhaps not fully, but enough. I couldn't manage even that much.
[A brief flash of his disastrous first meeting with Emmet - just standing there trying to make awkward conversation while his brother sobbed at him, because he hadn't even realized he was real and not some creation of the Fox. Ingo's disgusted with himself. And even if not then, to not have remembered a single thing in the months since...well, it's really no wonder Bo-Katan finally decided to take action.]
I had always thought I might, if I ever met anyone I had known. But of course not.
[A good brother, someone who really cared enough, would have remembered.]
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I don't believe it was any virtue of mine, it was just the way it happened. Another day or so of that creature feeding off memories, and it might not have gone that way. [Although he can't be sure. Connections in the Force between sensitives can be strange things, not entirely linear or quantifiable, and might have served as some sort of anchor point he instinctively clung to, even if he didn't have a single conscious memory.
But it was certainly no fault of Ingo's that he isn't literally psychic.]
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Might I suggest something?
[This said as Obi-Wan slowly starts to withdraw and then opens his eyes.]
It’s a well known fact in our society, and others, that emotions have a deep impact on the psyche. It can make the difference between a Jedi staying true to their path, or veering into the darkness and going astray. Your thoughts, your feelings, your memories, they are not separate. They are interconnected and affect each other because they are each a part of a whole. Your mind.
[Sitting straight, Obi-Wan now folds his hands in his lap. Letting out a soft sigh as he tries to sort through his own thoughts and everything he witnessed.]
I do not believe there is anything Ezra and I can do here. Your mind is functioning as it should. My belief is that you are unwittingly hindering yourself. And not because you’re not good enough, no, rather because you think that way. You are creating conflict in yourself with your feelings of doubt and low self worth. On top of that, trying to force your brain into remembering things while it is dealing with this conflict. Until you manage to find peace within yourself, you likely will not be able to access those memories.
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[Ingo's disappointed, but he's not terribly surprised. He'd known from the beginning that this was probably a long shot. Frankly, he's a little disgusted with himself for having asked at all - once again, he's wasting these good peoples' time and effort.]
Well, thank you for trying, in any case.
[That seems to be the end of it? He opens his eyes, glancing between them to make sure that no one is still...telepathically in his mind or anything before he rises to go.]
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[He’s not done with you yet sir.]
Don’t take this as a loss or failure. It’s not. Rather, look at this as having a better understanding of yourself and your situation. I’ve learned a great deal by searching your mind, which I assure you will remain confidential between the three of us. But I do have some suggestions on how to proceed if you wish to hear them.
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Ingo keeps that to himself.]
Of course.
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You need to stop thinking like that for one.
[There is no hiding in this moment. With Obi-Wan’s senses still blown wide open as they are.]
If you want to recover, if you want to be the good brother that you so long to be, you must change your thinking. There is no other way. You see, many of the truths that we cling to vary greatly on our own point of view. To change your reality, you must alter yours. It’s a fundamental Jedi teaching but it applies to everyone.
You can start by using meditation techniques. I can teach you how. But it will not work if you don’t stop this nonsense that’s going on in your head. It won’t be easy of course, you will have to work at it. I’m willing to hold you accountable for this as well, to help you in your progress. It may not be the quick fix that we wanted, but there is hope. If you are willing to try.
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[Ingo would very much prefer that his thoughts not be read, if we aren't doing anything constructive in there! Aside from dismissing his feelings as nonsense, apparently.
(Oh Sinnoh, is he going to tell Bo-Katan about all of this?)]
I'm certainly willing to try anything, but I do not wish to take up any more of your time. If you are willing to teach me how, I'm sure I can just proceed on my own.
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To be fair to everyone here, Ezra knows convincing someone that self-destructive habits aren't the path forward is difficult.
Ok, here goes-]
Ingo, you are not wasting our time. We are in no rush to get you out our door. We weren't the first time you were here. I, personally, was concerned about you but happy to make sure you had a safe place to stay and food to eat.
Why did you leave? I think - I think maybe we talk through what we actually mean about focus determining reality. If you are willing to honestly answer that.
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Forgive me, it takes time for me to come down from such efforts. This is not something I regularly do.
[Ingo might as well be shouting his thoughts at the moment. It wasn’t so much that Obi was reading them as that he overheard them.]
And no, I will not tell Bo-Katan.
[He then lets Ezra talk. The Jedi Master falling silent as he breathed deeply like he did when beginning this session. Trying to calm his mind and retreat back into himself.]
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...well. It is nothing I have not said before. My conduct while I was staying here was absolutely unacceptable. A grown man should not be - lying about all day, forcing others to wait on him hand and foot. And he certainly should not be - throwing tantrums.
[Though no one would have known about that if Bo-Katan hadn't barged into his room in the first place. How was he supposed to keep sleeping there, knowing that she might show up at any time? It wasn't safe.]
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You weren't forcing us. It was service offered freely. Your conduct was concerning, because it was clear you weren't....in good health. But I am a healer, I choose to be concerned for, and do things for people who aren't well, regularly. If anyone here found your behavior unacceptable, then - that was a conversation Obi-Wan or I would have had with you. And even then it would have been a balancing of responsibilities. To not give more than we could give without draining ourselves, maybe, or to protect the other people here, if you lashed out at them. But we had no such plans. The only person you were hurting was yourself.
This is what we mean. You felt that you were forcing us to do things for you. That we would or perhaps should think badly of you. Those feelings are real, to you, but that doesn't mean they reflected reality for us. You acted on what you felt to be true and withdrew. You passed judgement on yourself, and that determined your reality.
But that is not the only way things might have gone.
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[It's kind of them to pretend otherwise, of course. But who wouldn't judge? Ingo's judging himself!]
Even if you somehow did not, I should not take advantage of that pity.
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Which part of I am a healer sworn to service and compassion to the best of my ability, of my own free will, did you not understand? Or do you believe I am lying to your face?
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I am not your patient. I am not even injured. You do not owe it to me to excuse bad behavior just because of your profession.
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You came to me with a problem Ingo. So in a sense you are our patient. You do need healing, healing of the mind. That is what we are here for. Those are the services we offer, free to anyone who asks.
[He then pauses thoughtful as something comes to mind.]
Did you read that book?
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[It didn't even work!]
I did.
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